From the Ship's Editor.
George J. Werner, ATCS, USN, (Ret)

How to simulate shipboard life.

Suggestions for the ex-sailor who misses the "good
old days" (geared to the "surface squid")...

1. Sleep on the shelf in your closet. 

2. Replace the closet door with a curtain.

3. Six hours after you go to sleep, have your wife whip open the curtain, shine a  flashlight in your eyes, and mumble "Sorry, wrong rack". 

4. Renovate your bathroom. Build a wall across the middle of your bathtub and  move the shower head down to chest level. 

5. When you take showers, make sure you shut off the water while soaping. 

6. Every time there's a thunderstorm, go sit in a wobbly rocking chair and rock as  hard as you can until you're nauseous. 

7. Put lube oil in your humidifier instead of water and set it to "High".

8. Don't watch TV except movies in the middle of the night. Also, have your  family vote on which movie to watch, then show a different one. 

9. (Mandatory for ex-engineering types) Leave lawnmower running in your living  room 24 hours a day for proper noise level. 

10. Have the paperboy give you a haircut. 

11. Once a week blow compressed air up through your chimney, making sure the  wind carries the soot across and onto your neighbor's house. Laugh at him when  he curses you. 

12. Buy a trash compactor and only use it once a week. Store up garbage in the  other side of your bathtub.

13. Wake up every night at midnight and have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich  on stale bread, if anything. (Optional: Canned ravioli or cold soup). 

14. Make up your family menu a week ahead of time without looking in your  food  cabinets or refrigerator. 

15. Set your alarm clock to go off at random times during the night. When it goes  off, jump out of bed and get dressed as fast as you can, then run out into your  yard and break out the garden hose. 

16. Once a month take every major appliance completely apart and then put them  back together. 

17. Use 18 scoops of coffee per pot and allow it to sit for 5 or 6 hours before  drinking. 

18. Invite at least 85 people you don't really like to come and visit for a couple of  months. 

19. Have a fluorescent lamp installed on the bottom of your coffee table and lie  under it to read books.

20. Raise the thresholds and lower the top sills on your front and back doors so  that you either trip over the threshold or hit your head on the sill every time you  pass through one of them.

21. Lockwire the lugnuts on your car. 

22. When making cakes, prop up one side of the pan while it is baking. Then  spread icing really thick on one side to level off the top. 

23. Every so often, throw your cat into the swimming pool, shout "Man
overboard, ship recovery!", run into the kitchen and sweep all the
pots/pans/dishes off of the counter onto the floor, then yell at your wife for not  having the place "stowed for sea".

24. Put on the headphones from your stereo (don't plug them in). Go and stand in front of your stove. Say (to nobody in particular) "Stove manned and ready". Stand there for 3 or 4 hours. Say (once again to nobody in particular) "Stove  secured". Roll up the headphone cord and put them away.

This Web Page was created by and
is maintained by Paul D. Henriott
Last updated 30 March 2005